Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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