Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
