dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
