the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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