fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
