I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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