when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
