If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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