Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
