clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
