when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
