i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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