I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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