i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
