Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
