so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
