I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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