im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just puked most of my soul out..
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