i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
