I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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