i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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