ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
