just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
