stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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