You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
