i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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