i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
