I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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