I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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