I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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