My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
