Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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