I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
