I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
