it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
