take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
