Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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