I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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