tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
