no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I will be naked everywhere
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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