the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
