I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
