Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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