Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
