my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.