i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
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I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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