All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I faked an abortion last night.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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