Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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