My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
soo... how was my night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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