I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
