First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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