If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
