he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
