Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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