I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
