People in love make me want to vomit
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
