Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
