I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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