Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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